Mi Corazón, Mi Alma, Mi Vida.

**Warning**

This blog contains mushiness and should be avoided by all those who may be tempted to "blarghle"

I'm going through a really strange and crazy time in my life right now with me leaving my job of three years and trying to learn how to take care of myself for the first real time in my life. All at once I'm feeling like everything I thought I knew has been turned upside down and I'm feeling happier than I've been in years. I finally talked to one of my best friends for the first time in too long and she told me that when she saw me last I didn't seem out of it or distant, I just seemed unhappy and I realized... I really was unhappy. I was unhappy in an all encompassing kind of way. Not a day went by that I didn't feel grateful for Joe and my family and all of those things, but all of that love and appreciation was clouded by a thin film of haze, like I was just going through the motions and not seeing the beauty.



Now I'm seeing the beauty. When my coworker invited me out for dinner last night I didn't make up excuses so I could stay home in my pajamas- I went (and I had fun!). When my bestest called me I called her back and didn't get her... so she called me back and missed me... so I called her back and finally heard her voice on the other end and I felt grateful, not frustrated that I had to talk on the phone. We talked and I had questions, I had things to say, I cared about the silly haikus she was reading me! Three months ago it would have felt like pulling teeth to come up with something to say. When I was laying in bed reading last night with Taylor curled up next to me I actually laughed out loud at my book. It's like I'm feeling life again, not suffering through it.



Now all of that being said I have to clarify- I have not wanted to kill myself for the last three years. It's not like I have nothing positive going on in my life. There have been beautiful moments in my life that I would never change when I feel like I could not have been happier, like the day I stood on a rainy dock and promised to spend my life with Joe- I wouldn't change anything about that day. I don't think I could have been happier. But that's the thing- there's always been Joe, he's always been my bright light.

I've dated plenty; I've had enough boyfriends to know what's good, bad, and ugly about a relationship. I've claimed to love people; I've thought I loved people. But then I met Joe. We have such a strange and intertwined story that I have to believe that we were meant to find each other and spend our lives together.


I first met Joe at a Memorial Day BBQ that we both attended with our significant others of the time. My bf at the time and I hadn’t been dating too long I don’t think (honestly, no one really seems able to decide what year this happened), and we were still figuring out how we felt about each other. The BBQ was being held by all of his friends who I had never met- so overall it was a pretty terrifying event. We ate food, they played volleyball, I sat on a bench and watched, and then we all went to someone’s house and got drunk and played Cranium. I ended up on Joe’s team and spent most of the night trying not to pee my pants because I was laughing at him so much. There was something about him that made me feel like he was important and when we all woke up the next morning and went our separate ways I never really stopped thinking about him. We talked online a couple of times but that was pretty much it. His friend and I became really good friends but stopped dating and eventually I ended up in a relationship with someone who never treated me like I was anything of import and generally made me believe that I wasn’t anything at all. When we finally broke up I was pretty broken. My good friend (and former boyfriend) invited me for a “weekend of awesomeness” in Northern Virginia and I immediately asked what Joe was up to… I never intended to fall in love and I never meant to start the rest of my life, but that night was the beginning of all the crazy beautiful that is us.


Two months later we were moving in together and a month after that we were engaged. He was my one from the moment I met him and sometimes I feel so sad at all the time that was lost, but also so grateful for all I was able to learn about myself during that time. Joe treated me like a queen. He told me I was beautiful and amazing and he made me believe it for the first time in a long time. Since then he’s never stopped reminding me and with him beside me I feel like I can conquer the world. He’s not my rock holding me up, that implies that he’s nothing but a support I use- he’s the roots of my tree that hold me in place, encourage me to thrive, and work with me to grow.



And through all of this insanity in life, all of these months of doubting myself and thinking I’ve failed, all these years of cloudy film, he’s stuck by me, reminding me how bright the flowers are and believing that eventually I will see their beauty myself. And now I’m feeling nervous about this new chapter, but I’m feeling confident because he’s beside me.


I’ve spent my life believing that love exists, that there is perfection for every person. I spent a lot of time believing I’d have to settle for good enough, but that I’d never find my perfection, but I was wrong. All that time he was playing putt putt 3 miles from my house, cooking banquet meals for my uncle, and loving Cannibal the Musical just as much as me. He is the half of me I never knew I was missing.

He’s been out of town for a few days and those days have done nothing but intensify my love for him and given me time to think about our story. He’s stood by me through thick and thin and the thought of spending the rest of my life with him excites me to an unbelievable point.


Now I know that only a handful of people read this, and I happen to know that one of them is holding onto their faith in love by nothing more than a thread. Let this mushy, sappy, disgusting, post serve as a reminder to you that even when your faith wanes love never does.

New Years '06-'07

My favorite picture of us